I am 24 years old. In the past couple of months I have quit my teaching job, started a new career, broken up with my 'serious' boyfriend of almost two years, and traded in my first car that I loved so dearly for a brand new one. I guess you could call it an almost-quarter-century crisis. I have often heard to "turn your mess into a message," so let me back-track a little bit, briefly... (Okay- Everyone who knows me knows that I never say anything "briefly.")
There was a time when I had written a blog about growing up, accepting change, and trusting in the Lord's plan for my life. It has been 2.5 years since said blog was edited. I had just graduated from the best university in the South Eastern Conference ("No institution more worthy of such loyalty as the University of Georgia."). I left my beloved Classic City for the 'big' city and started my teaching career as a second grade special education teacher in Milton. I had just begun dating one of my best guy friends, moved into an apartment in Buckhead with two wonderful girls, and I was loving my new, big-girl life. I was just doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing.
I woke up yesterday morning and realized how strange it is that I am not at school, rushing to get my classroom ready for sneak-a-peak with my new kiddos or going to trainings on how to use some type of technology program in my classroom (that I may end up using one time during the school year). For the first time in my life I am not going back to school and it's a very weird feeling... I have been asked the question many, many times since May and to be honest I had almost forgotten what my answer was... Why did I quit teaching? But really- why?
Well.
I'm weird about numbers. Like, really weird. I have never been a fan of odd numbers. I remember being in 2nd grade and learning how to add and subtract and I could not stand it when the 'sum' or 'difference' ended up being the numbers 7, 11, or 13. I. Could. Not. Stand. It. I would rush to the next problem, just so I could have a new number to think about. "YES. 6+6=12! Thank goodness!" What a freak. This may have been one of the reasons I have never liked math...
It's not all odd numbers- there are some I like. For example, I really like the numbers 17 and 19. I really liked the age of 17 because it was that time in my life when I thought that everything I did mattered SO much and I was convinced that I was probably going to die if my parents didn't let me go to Waffle House with my friends at 1am. I was a stupid teenage girl and learned a lot of valuable lessons. (Most of the time I went to WaHo anyway). I like the number 19 because my birthday is March 19th, so I would say that's a normal reason to like that number.
But what's weird is that my hatred for odd numbers has never gotten away from me. I absolutely will not allow the volume in my car to be on anything other than a 0, 2, 5 (because it's in the middle), or 8 (with the exception of 17 and 19, of course). I have also noticed a trend in the odd numbers in my life... and I know I'm definitely, 100% over-thinking this. However, I have noticed that the times I have been the happiest in my life were during the even years. I'm not going to go way back, but I know that 18 and 20 were both good years.Then at the age of 22 I was convinced that it was impossible that life could get any better- I LOVED 22. (Insert those stupid Taylor Swift lyrics that I will admit are completely accurate. Most of the time I still feel 22.).
Then came 23. The inevitable, odd age in the odd year of 2013.
Let's be honest- 2013 was a weird year. It rained just about every day. It was warm in January and it was cold in May. IN GEORGIA.
I had just finished up my first year of teaching, which I felt was close to a miracle. I learned A LOT, to say the very least. I moved from my 2nd grade classroom to a preschool self-contained class, which I was super excited about and thought I would do at least for the next few years because I was sure it was what I wanted to do. I have no doubt in my mind that it was absolutely my calling to teach those two years in those exact classrooms with those sweet students. I loved teaching those kids how to read, count, sing, play, do the macarena- I was a jack of many trades. Being a teacher is much more than giving tests or lining kids up to go to the lunchroom. You matter in their lives, and they matter in yours.
But I was in cruise control. I found myself coasting through everything and being totally content in that, which was not a good place to be. I was sick of 2013. I wasn't enjoying the present, so I wasn't living in it. I kept thinking and hoping that the reason I wasn't happy was because it was an odd year and everything was blah.
So, when 2014 came I was relieved and hopeful for a fresh, new, EVEN year.
And then one day it was very clear to me that I didn't need to be there anymore. It was a very big, strong feeling. I absolutely loved being a teacher and I didn't want to leave the profession. However, I found myself trying to find ways out of it... I even signed up for the GRE so I could go back and get my Masters in something. I was searching for a way out, but I didn't know what I was doing.
I had a couple of pity parties and cried a few tears... then I realized that I was spending all of my time wishing my life away, waiting for a new year, a new month... Why wasn't I just being present and doing what I needed to do? Because what I needed to do was pray- and I knew that.
Of course I prayed every morning on my way to work and every night when I went to bed, but like I said, I was just going through the motions. Praying was just part of my routine.
In Thessalonians 5 it says to pray without ceasing, but I had fallen back into that same old pattern of "poor, pitiful me" and was trying to find ways out of the situation I was in without just straight up facing it and living in the present moment. Praying about the present moment. One morning on my way to work the Hillsong United song “Oceans” came on the radio... I had heard the song several times but didn't think much of it, and then the words “Keep my eyes above the waves…” stuck with me and I started listening.
So, I prayed through the song. I prayed for Him to lead me where my trust is without borders. I needed a change and I prayed that He would prepare my heart for whatever that change may be...so then I waited for it.
Going back to my birthday; I didn't know how to feel about this birthday at first-- I had gotten over all of the "I'm going to be married by the time I'm 24 and have kids at 26" crap already when I was 22 (see other blog). I had accepted all of that and knew that I was in the right place in that aspect... So, I decided to be excited to turn 24. (Not that it's wrong to do that- It just wasn't the right plan for me, obviously.)
I made it my new mantra that 24 is going to be my "year of opportunity." I was mainly just excited to be back on an even year. Y'all, I really did not like 23. I read somewhere that statistics show that 23 is everyone's least favorite age in their 20's and I could not agree more. (Not to mention I was 23 in 2013- so there ya go.)
Every Year of Your 20s Ranked from Worst to Best
(This may not be the most credible source- but it's true.)
So, I turned 24 and I was fully ready for my year of opportunity.
I had been praying for a door to open, or even for a door to close first in order for another one to open. Again, "where my trust is without borders." I still struggled with the circumstances I was in and I knew that I wasn't happy, but I knew that I just had to keep waiting and I had comfort in knowing that The Lord had a plan for this particular time in my life.
"For the vision is yet for an appointed time and it hastens to the end; it will not deceive or disappoint. Though it tarry, WAIT for it, because it will surely come; it will not be behindhand on its appointed day." Habakkuk 2:3
I remember one time when I was trying to figure out what to do about my career and talking to my then-boyfriend about how maybe one day my principal would come to me and tell me that I no longer had a position and that my teaching days were over. Just like that.
And then it happened. As I was having my daily morning talk with my coworker and mixing the granola into my yogurt, my principal walked right in and broke the news that my classroom would no longer exist and that I would be moving, possibly to another elementary school in the county (which could be south of Atlanta. No Way Jose'.). Most would expect one to react to this. At least react. I had a feeling like I never imagined I could have in this type of situation. I mean, the woman had basically just told me I didn't have a job anymore- at least not the one I wanted- and I was at total and complete peace.
So, there was my sign. There was my door closing. Just like that- Boom! Opportunity.
Then April came. I was excited for my new doors that I knew were going to open eventually, but I was also struggling with trusting in the unknown. I was scared. So, I listened to "Oceans" on repeat just about every day when I arrived at work.
"You called me out upon the waters, the great unknown, my feet may fail...and I will call upon your name, and keep my eyes above the waves when oceans rise..."
Keep my eyes above the waves. That's all I had to do. I had to focus on doing that and everything else would fall into place.
On another note, at the time I was still dating my best guy friend (who was my lifeline during my first year of teaching. I seriously don't know what I would have done without him during that time, and I absolutely believe that was one of the reasons The Lord sent him to me). Then it hit me. I had just turned 24 years old and I was dating someone I wasn't going to marry. I wanted to marry him, but it's like I woke up one day and I knew I wasn't going to. It was so clear to me that I had to close that door in order to open myself up for the new things in my life. I felt selfish, but I also realized that it wasn't just for me. I had to close that door in order for him to have the opportunities that he needed, as well. It was hard. It was so hard.
“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me...”
He led me away from the comfort of dating my best friend. He led me away from the comfort of my school. He led me away from being content in going through the motions in my career and relationship. He closed the doors that I had been praying about for so many months, all in His timing.
So going back to the question of why I gave up teaching after only 2 years... Often times I hear: “Did you hate it?" or “I know teaching special ed is probably tough.” or “Do you think it was the school you were in that you didn't like?” or “Teachers just don't get paid enough." or "You should try teaching in a more rural county.” or "Why don't you try teaching general ed?" and so on...
I have found myself succumbing to those excuses sometimes and letting myself go on tangents about the school system or teachers being underpaid or whatever, and then I will remind myself that no- I did not quit teaching for any of those reasons. I loved teaching! I loved my students with all of my heart, loved my coworkers who became like my family, and loved the school I taught in. I simply did what I felt like I needed to do. The Lord gave me exactly what I had asked Him for and He led me where my trust was without borders. It seems so complicated and may sound crazy, but it's so simple to me. I tried to do it all on my own, but all I really had to do was pray and trust in the answers, even if they scared me to death. It was not easy to pack up my classroom and send in my notice of separation to Fulton County Schools. It was not easy to break the heart of my best friend and boyfriend by telling him we needed to end our relationship after almost 2 years. It was a terrifying place to be, but I have never felt so sure that I had served my purpose in both situations and it was time for me to move on.
“Where my feet may fail and fear surrounds me, you've never failed and you won't start now...”
24 has not only been my year of opportunity, it's been my year of trusting without borders. My year of keeping my eyes above the waves, and I'm not even half-way through it yet. So, there was my premature quarter-century crisis. I'm not sure if it's over or not, but so far this whole experience has been pretty interesting. I am SO thankful for the opportunities I have been given and I would not change a thing.
Okay, I realize that I was being a little ridiculous about the even and odd numbers... That's just something that I'm OCD about and I need to get over it. Regardless of even or odd years, months, days, or whatever- in oceans deep my faith will stand.
